Photos of People Who Don't Exist

     Life has become different in the past 10 years. A lot different.

    I was in a store yesterday, passing those little picture frames filled with stock photos. It reminded me of countless commercials I had seen before. A smiling family. Photos of people who might not even know each other, but have to act so. A conscientious effort put forth by the largest companies in the world, with money beyond my imagination. Is it relatable anymore?

    It's become clear to me at least, how different life looks post 2016. There was a popular joke from around 4 years ago around the pandemic that 2016 was the last good year; and at any moment we were going to wake up from a horrifying dream and return to that time, perhaps waking up from a really long, well-deserved nap. If only things could be that simple. Sometimes I think I know why, and other times maybe I'm not so sure.

   The nuclear family. Little soccer balls scooting across lawns. That's what we all want, correct? Well it must be, because the pictures in the frames tell me so.

    And while I'm grappling with these ideas I can't help but feel a weight called forth from shame that I am not these people. My life might never look like this. How do I cope with that? How do I make peace with that?

    There was a spot that overlooked an old city. I would sit there at sunset and watch it slip into the horizon line slowly. A hot, southern summer indeed. Heat that can only be imagined by anyone past Washington D.C. Old graffiti marked abandoned train cars. A river slowly and quietly flowing in the background, mixing some kind of freaky concoction of city and nature. I liked the way it made me feel.

    I have been questioning the state of normality for a long time. I've been locked away too long with my own thoughts. One day, the world will bring me something good. Something that will make my life worth living. Maybe it wasn't my time before, maybe it is now. For now I float on a very patient, very diligent boat. Listening to my weird music and writing the things that pique my interest.

    I am not understood now, but I will be. I must be. 

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