What are you sorry for?
I'm sorry that I couldn't be normal, even for anyone else. I hardly understand it myself. I'm not sure whether it's my ADHD or my inability to connect with others. I can't get myself the help that I need and I don't know why. I have no answers.
When did this start?
Well, let me see... If I lean my head back far enough I can tell you.
I think... as soon as I gained awareness of myself, probably around 6 if I had to guess. I hardly remember anything before that. Don't most people forget their early childhood? Maybe it will come back to me one day. Anyways, I remember having mostly good fortune, being happy, and then all of a sudden I wasn't. In a short amount of time I became extremely aware and yet unaware. I was aware of what made me afraid, and that was about it. I made sure to try and avoid things that would make me upset, but I didn't pay attention to the future. I'm paying for it now.
What do you mean by "paying for it?"
Uh, well... I didn't think about where I was going. Or maybe my parents didn't care. Yeah, I think that's it. I was busy trying to survive and figure out my own emotions to really understand that my time on Earth was severely limited. You know when you're young you think you can live forever, but I really did think that. I couldn't figure out why anybody cared about anything. It would all be figured out. It would all be okay. I had no solid plan, but it would be fine.
Where were your parents anyway?
My father was busy driving a 14 wheeler or concrete mixer in another state, depending on what job he had that year. My mother was... bar tending. Smoking pot when she got home and passing out. Getting in fights with her husband, and then when that ended, started fighting with me. That was all before she got sick, that is, which changed everything.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Everyone is.
So, uh... what's your plan now?
That's a good question, because I don't know. I lived in Richmond, Virginia for 9 years of my life and now I'm back in Florida without a clue where to go. I had everything back there; a promising job, friends, a rep, a social life... it's all gone. It's like, when my mother died she took my life with her. Not that it was all her fault. Nobody asks to get sick, especially what she had...
Would you go back to Richmond?
Probably. Yeah, I probably would if I had the ability to work somewhere. Florida sucks. Don't let anyone fool you into thinking that it's some paradise just because the beach is here. It's full of conservative old people and there's no culture; young people and anyone with sense are leaving this state if they can. Unfortunately, its grasped onto me like a spider with its web, and I gotta figure out how to get out of here.
Where would you go if not Richmond?
If I had the funds? Probably New York City. I'm a southern girl but I love the city more. People are more open-minded. There's more going on. I like being in places where things are happening. You know, I might go to Paris too. I took some french in college. I'd need to brush up, but I say it because that's the birthplace of cinema. French movies are so much better, I can't explain it. People tell me Paris isn't worth it but I know it's because they don't get to know the real city. Nobody knows a city unless you ask a local, you know? That's how Richmond felt to me. Don't ask any tour guide about Richmond, ask me and I'll tell you where the real places to see are.
What's your love life like?
What a personal question! Barren, if you must know. American men aren't exactly the greatest.
What purpose does that leave you with?
I don't know. I don't have my old job, my friends, my car. I am basically wandering around a giant retirement home at the age of 27, with hardly any family either. It's hard to leave the house... even my bed, because I am so depressed and alone. All I have is hope. Maybe some miracle, some shooting stars from above. I see them in the skies sometimes, but they don't come true.
What makes you strange?
The distance I keep from people. It's something I established long ago, and one that I don't know how to let go of. I'm trying to be better. All I hear is no. All I hear is how unwelcome I am, how weird I am. Sometimes I'm glad to be different. Then when I'm unhappy I think, maybe not. My self-acceptance comes and goes depending on the day.
What would make your life better? That is, what does your perfect life look like?
I don't think anything can be "perfect." But if I had to say... far away from here. Maybe with someone I love, going anywhere we want. Not here. Anywhere but here. Anywhere except murky, disgusting Florida. I think that when you meet the one that's really where your life begins. Maybe I'm a hopeless romantic, a.k.a a fool. So be it.
Anything else you want to add?
Right. Uh, don't move to Florida. Don't let people drain you of your happiness. Don't write fever-induced self-interviews when you're sick and stuck inside for days.
Thanks for indulging.
Not like anyone's listening.
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