What It Means to Stay Positive 🌼

 

   It has always been hard for me to remain positive, mostly because I struggle with differentiating between being a realist and being a pessimist. When I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, my psychiatrist told me I had what was known as "reactive depression," which is depression that is a response to your external environment. Personally I think it's just a fancy term for PTSD, which is apt. I went through a lot of things as a child. I moved 9 times, I was being raised by a single mom who wasn't home most of the time because she had to work, while my father was in another state driving trucks. Our family lost everything after the 2008 housing market crash, my uncle made houses and my mother sold them. It created a giant rift in our family. People owed money to others and wouldn't pay it back, deals would be dropped. It was a noble effort to change our situation, but we fell on our faces again. I went from having a swing in my room within a beautiful multiple-story Georgian house to sharing a 1 bedroom apartment in the ghetto with my grandparents in Florida. My mom and I slept in the living room and my grandpa lighted joints that filled the house up with smoke and irritated my lungs. It was tough having nothing, and the stress took a major toll on my family. Unfortunately, it only got worse from there when my mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when I was 17, which, as anybody would expect from a teenager, I did not take well and ended up with some self-destructive habits as a result.

    It's always been like this for me. Sometimes, I thought I was cursed. Even in Kindergarten, I remember a little girl who almost choked me to death (yes really,) because she didn't like the look of me. I watched my mom go in and out of toxic relationships, cementing my opinion of men subconsciously forever. I was never bullied per say, but I was definitely different and it didn't help that I was also poor, especially when I moved to a much wealthier town in middle school. My clothes stuck out like a sore thumb, and I was self-conscious about that. So, I lived on the outskirts of society. I made friends, some popular some not, but it didn't really matter to me because I had love for everyone. I cracked a lot of jokes, a lot of self-deprecating ones. I spent a lot time alone, reading my books and playing video games and watching anime before that became cool.

    I'm leaving out a lot of details for obvious reasons but the point of what I'm saying is; how did I stay positive? My mind definitely didn't feel it. I was constantly in a negative headspace because I was terrified. My confidence was ripped from under me and I was just as timid as the little girl I started off as. But I persisted. I persisted and persisted and persisted, and I didn't know why. I was chasing something that would make it all worth it. According to karma, pain and sorrow had to be exchanged for happiness. I don't think that's how it works exactly, but that's how my mind sees it. There had to be some reason why I went through everything I did. Something that would make sense.

    I am not a religious person, I never have been. My idea of god differs from the Judeo-Christian sense, not that I have a problem with it; it's just something I've never identified with, but I notice that Christians often like to keep this same optimistic hope. One day, salvation will come to you if you're patient, like climbing a mountain to the top. 

    I resonate with that, strangely. Being resilient is about one of the most important abilities a person can have. Without it, would we not probably jump off buildings every time someone cuts us off on the road, or somebody takes the last of something that you like? 

    But trauma takes practice, and unfortunately many of us are not so lucky to know how to deal with those situations when they happen. After you've been through the ringer, everything else seems miniscule. It surprised me after the passing of my mom how much little things didn't bother me as much anymore. They no longer felt like the end of the world, because I had felt my world actually end before and this was nowhere near how that felt. Life is really, really short, and I find myself grappling with that often. Every second I spend on things that aren't projects I'm working on feels like a waste. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. I know some part of capitalism brainwashing us into working into exhaustion is at fault for that, but I digress.

    I have gotten into doing affirmations every day, because I don't know what else to rely on. I say things like, "the right job will find me," "the right guy will find me," "I am confident and sickening and I tour the world with my beautiful voice," "I travel the world and write articles about it," or something like that. I hang onto those pipe dreams, assuming one day they shall come true (I learned that assuming is better than hoping, according to the law of assumption. If you want to know more about this concept, I suggest this reddit page.

    If we assume, it will be so. If you believe you can, you will. That's what I try to live by nowadays because I don't have anything else. Now that our society is basically crumbling, we have nothing to lose. Take it from someone who has felt like the world was ending every day of her life, that it's only over if you want it to be. No matter what storm blows, power through it. Scream at it. Fight it. Tell them you are not afraid.